Conservative cartoons and Opinion

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Americans are a lot of things

We are way too Jesus-y.
We are fat, sad, bitter racists who hang out at the DQ.
We need to stop going to the olive garden and cowing down on bread sticks.
We need to stop sunning ourselves at the NASCAR track.
We need to stop blasting our AC and listening to that awful country music.
We need to stop dressing up and going to our mega churches.
We need to stop starting small businesses.
We need to stop our deer blasting, border patrolling, sky god worshiping.
We need to lay down our boom sticks and bitterness.
We need to stop the pipe dream of self reliance, free market health care and school choice.
We need to give up our dream of a God scream and worship the empty space of a gaseous boil and electron race.
We need to give up on the archaic notion of a monogamist marriage and instead wake up every morning encrusted in a dried cocoon of a strangers DNA, like wise secularists.
We need to stop all that unpleasant Christian procreation.
We need to stop being capitalist caterpillars eating all the precious green away.
We need to stop rolling our eyes at another transgender love affair glorified on the cover of People magazine at the grocery store.
We need to stop buying 44 ounce big gulps on our way to Cabela’s.
We need to realize that the flag we love is in question and the cross we worship is offensive.
We need to understand that the flag pins we wear are little more than a fetish.
We need to realize that a prideful soar of the star spangled banner is nothing more than the grunts of nationalistic caged animals.
We need to learn to love loose government money and high taxes.
We need to learn to swallow socialistic dogma masquerading as thought.
We need to embrace jobless greenies who want to bring back chamber pots and slop jars to save water.
We need to rejoice when our hard earned money funds a free boarding house for Mexico.
We need to ride the wave of free- floating, self induced guilt over being the greatest country on earth.
We need to buy CHE t-shirts and bump our cheeks, kissing the air like cheese eating, surrender-frog, Frenchmen.
We need to all get jobs as community organizers.
We need to all join a 911 conspiracy theory chat room.
We need to accept once and for all that Al Gore is too significant to be questioned.
We need to understand that we are like a big political special Ed class riding on their short little leftist bus.
We need to be managed, coaxed and head shrunk into making the right or might I say left choices.
We need to freely allow ourselves to be tied, twisted and molded into an inflexible and expanding list of correct attitudes.

Then and only then will be able to grab America by the blue lapels and become progressively Polaroid-picture happy!

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